My typical client is a woman who is a master juggler: managing work, kids, pets, friends, partner, shopping, cooking, cleaning, planning, caring for aging parents, and increasingly, boomerang adult children. It’s a wonder she can keep all the balls in the air. She’s chronically exhausted, yet struggles to sleep at night.
She has trouble saying no—after all, who else will make sure everything gets done? Often, this woman has an autoimmune condition (or two), typically Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, IBS, RA, lupus, or MS. By the time she reaches out to me, some balls have inevitably started to drop, and she is genuinely sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. She’s ready to reclaim her health—but where to start?
So what’s the core issue? Her diet? Toxin overload? Hidden infections? Chronic stress? The answer is likely all of the above. While each must be addressed, often what she truly needs first is permission—encouragement, even—to prioritize self-care before tackling her responsibilities.
She tells me she’s desperate for a good night’s sleep, but refuses earplugs—what if her ailing mother calls in the middle of the night? Her husband comes to bed later, gets up frequently, and snores. Sleeping separately seems unthinkable, fearing it might harm the marriage. And kicking Fluffy off the bed feels equally impossible!
That’s when I introduce the metaphor of putting on her own oxygen mask first, as flight attendants always advise. She understands this intellectually, but inevitably counters with something like, “But everyone depends on me to [help with homework, handle doctor appointments, manage teams, do the shopping, cooking, etc.], and there’s no energy left to care for myself.”
This calls for some gentle yet firm tough love:
Of course they depend on you—you’ve trained everyone that you’ll handle everything. But look at the cost: chronic stress, sleeplessness, and worsening health.
I know this profile intimately. I’m married, once ran a sales team, served on multiple boards, founded a non-profit, and at one point had both parents hospitalized an hour’s plane flight away. And yes—I had MS, with stress frequently triggering new symptoms.
Recognizing stress as a potent trigger for MS flare-ups, I actively sought simple stress-reduction strategies. One life-changing course I found was aptly titled, “Love Yourself: For Everyone Else’s Sake.” I vividly remember sitting in a circle with eight other women, sharing that my first sentence (as the precocious daughter of a fighter pilot) was, “I can do it.” It felt affirming and comforting as every head nodded in recognition.
The course was guided by Mark Abramson, DDS, founder of Stanford’s Mindfulness Meditation Stress Reduction program. Mark knows firsthand the cost of the do-it-all-yourself personality type; he sees it daily in his practice, addressing TMJ—the clenched jaw disorder—and sleep apnea.
He graphically illustrated the physiological toll chronic stress takes on our bodies, emphasizing how persistent stress directly fuels systemic inflammation and disease. We visualized what would happen if we continued down that stressful path—and who would care for everyone else if something happened to us?
Mark introduced us to mindfulness techniques designed to counteract our habitual stress responses, guiding us through meditations, breathing exercises, and mindful movements. Crucially, he gave us explicit permission to fill ourselves up—mentally, physically, and emotionally—before attending to others.
Women often hesitate to prioritize self-care because we’ve internalized it as “selfish.” Yet prioritizing our well-being genuinely gives us more energy for caregiving roles and all other responsibilities. Caring for others and caring for ourselves are not mutually exclusive—they’re complementary.
Ever since completing the course a decade ago, I’ve worn earplugs, an eye mask, and mouth tape every night. The improvement in both my sleep quality and quantity has significantly enhanced my ability to show up fully in all roles. It’s not surprising that I’m happier and better rested than when feeling depleted, stressed, and resentful.
What brings you joy and fulfillment? Everyone’s needs differ. For me, uninterrupted sleep, spending time in nature, playing pickleball, soaking in a hot bath, diving into a good book, or connecting with friends deeply nourish me. Imagine what you could do with an hour or even an entire afternoon dedicated solely to yourself.
Make a list of self-care activities that replenish you, then commit to doing at least one daily. Remember—this isn’t indulgent; it’s vital for your health and sanity.
Here are some scientifically backed strategies to inspire you:
We are wired for connection and when feel isolated we suffer. Who can you reach out to today? And if you’re feeling isolated, check out MeetUp groups based on common interests. Research shows that investing in shared experiences rather than material items makes us just as happy as taking a vacation, which sounds wonderful right about now. 1
Just getting out in nature is an amazing stress-reducer. Research shows that spending time in nature has a long list of health benefits including decreased feelings of depression, anxiety, aggression, procrastination, and increased feelings of self-esteem, compassion, and competence. For greater benefits, take off your shoes and get grounded to soak up Earth’s beneficial negative ions, and get some sun without sunscreen to generate vitamin D naturally.2
Gentle yoga styles, such as Yin yoga or Yoga Nidra, are especially effective for calming the nervous system, reducing stress hormones, and promoting deep relaxation. Yin yoga, with its slow-paced poses held for extended periods, targets connective tissues and improves flexibility, circulation, and joint mobility. Yoga Nidra, known as “yogic sleep,” guides practitioners into a deeply restful, meditative state, shown in studies to significantly reduce anxiety, chronic pain, and inflammation. Even just 20 minutes a few times a week can support your body’s ability to heal and restore itself. 3
While intense workouts can sometimes trigger flares in autoimmune conditions, consistent joyful movement like walking, dancing, tai chi, or gentle biking has been shown to reduce inflammation, support detoxification, and boost mood-regulating neurotransmitters like serotonin. Movement improves lymph flow, enhances immune regulation, and helps balance blood sugar—all of which support autoimmune recovery. The key is finding something you enjoy so it feels like a gift to yourself, not a chore.6
Research reveals that soaking in a warm bath each day for 8 weeks was more effective at soothing anxiety than a prescription drug. Taking a warm bath before going to bed is a smart move: The bath temporarily raises your body temperature; afterward your body temperature gradually lowers in the cooler air, producing melatonin that cues your body that it’s time to sleep. A bath-time bonus: relaxation releases pain-killing endorphins in the brain.7
The most popular massage in the Indian Ayurvedic system of medicine is abhyanga, a warmed oil head-to-toe massage. Find and use organic oil like coconut or sesame oil that is stored in glass. Gently warm and apply in circular motions from your scalp to your soles. Either shower or towel off before sleep (protect your bedding too). Research shows numerous stress-reducing benefits of regular abhyanga massage: reduced blood pressure, improved heart rate variability, improved lymph flow, and better sleep.8
Mindfulness meditation, the practice of sitting quietly and observing your thoughts and sensations without judgment, is a powerful self-care tool proven to combat stress, anxiety, and chronic inflammation. Numerous studies demonstrate that regular mindfulness meditation can lead to tangible improvements in autoimmune conditions by decreasing pro-inflammatory responses and improving emotional resilience. Even as little as 10 minutes a day has been shown to produce measurable benefits, such as improved sleep quality, mood regulation, and better immune system function. 9
Science consistently shows that listening to music you love can significantly reduce stress, elevate mood, and even lower inflammation. One study found that participants who regularly listened to calming or uplifting music experienced decreased cortisol levels and reduced markers of inflammation, two crucial factors in autoimmune conditions. Make it a habit to enjoy your favorite tunes—whether during a walk, while cooking, or simply relaxing—to tap into music’s powerful health-promoting effects. 10
Scientific evidence strongly supports the benefits of gratitude practices, such as keeping a daily gratitude journal or verbally expressing appreciation. Regular gratitude exercises have been shown to lower cortisol (the primary stress hormone), enhance immune function, improve sleep quality, and boost overall psychological health. Writing down just three things you’re grateful for each day can help shift your mindset toward positivity, reducing inflammation and creating the optimal conditions for your body to heal.10
Once we understand the perils of not putting our own oxygen mask on first, we can embrace opportunities to love ourselves more, which has a profound ripple effect.
What’s your experience? Are you giving yourself permission to put your own oxygen mask on first? If not, what are you waiting for? You might want to consider what waiting is costing you. You deserve peace, joy, and vibrant health, and you are worth it.
Wishing you good health and much happiness,
Image Credit: Jackson David
If you live in the continental U.S. and are determined and committed to your best health and life, I offer Functional Medicine Total Health Transformation Programs over Zoom. I collaborate with skilled naturopathic doctors (NDs) who are expert in resolving root causes like gut disorders, chronic infections and toxic burdens which are almost always part of the autoimmune puzzle. Together we provide comprehensive, customized treatment plans, and collaborative, caring support. You are welcome to book a 30–minute consultation with me to gain clarity, confidence, and explore the possibility of working together. You can do it. We can help.
This comprehensive book is the first to explore all six of the critical lifestyle factors that are the root causes of autoimmune conditions – and the sources of regaining health. Foreword by Mark Hyman, MD
Palmer is a certified Functional Medicine Health Coach who has helped thousands of people reverse autoimmune conditions based on her own two-decade battle to successfully beat multiple sclerosis (MS). She’s the author of the Amazon #1 bestselling book, Beat Autoimmune, which has a powerful foreword by Functional Medicine pioneer, Mark Hyman, MD.
